Of Studying late

You should write NET, Sreelekha, said Vijayan Nair Sir, my favorite professor at Govt. Victoria College, Palakkad.

Yes, I smiled happy but shy, that was how I used to be then long back.

I talked to my parents about this exam, which was just introduced and said that ‘he even asked me to pursue, PhD’, sounding a bit unsure.

Pursuing doctoral studies looked interesting and intimidating to me at that time but I expressed my plan for life after post graduation to my parents.

They however, had other plans, and no time to listen to me or even consider my wishes, so they almost bullied me into marriage.

With low self esteem and lack of clarity about life, I succumbed to the emotional blackmail and regretted it immediately, until the birth of my daughter, who made life liveable and fun again.

Growing up with her, I almost forgot about the PhD, though at Indore in my early thirties, I made trips to Devi Ahilya Vishwa Vidyalaya in search of a guide.

In Calicut, my hometown ,I would go to the Calicut university and meet professors and share my desire to continue studies.

I was told that PhD was very expensive and that it was impossible for me to pursue it with the earnings I had at that time.

I don’t know why but I easily believed what was told,( for avoiding conflict at any cost was a pattern in my behavior )and did not contest such opinions.

Perhaps my brother’s steady deterioration of health weighed me down and my parents were too broken emotionally to discuss anything and friends I did not have any.

But life was good and to have a blessed happy kid like my daughter was a joy and I put aside my thoughts and focused on the task of parenting plus teaching at school was demanding and interesting as well.

As years rolled by the pressures of earning, to fund my daughters education and living in a metropolitan city ,pushed me out of the comfort of school teaching to corporate, then to college and finally to university.

I laughed at myself at the long winded course life took to get me here.

I enrolled for the PhD program in my forties, and fought tooth and nail for the guide of my choice, a lady of great learning and an unquestionable dedication to research.

As we started off, I was aware of how I will have something to put my mind to something when it will be time for my daughter to leave home for higher studies.

It was timed well, so now I think as I am left with time, loads of it, I can read at my will or write as I want to.

My guide laughs when I say that had I put up as much fight and thought in finding myself a life partner, things would have been different, but the learning is in the knowing of making informed thoughtful decisions about life. Besides, it is what it is. It is what it was meant to be.

As she sometimes scolds me or pushes me a bit harder, I thank her for her care, it is good to be under the care of a strict task master. You know that she means good for you.

Little things we do, add up to a whole, sometime, someday, so just keep at it.

Well, a little guy always advised ‘write NET, Chechi’, as if it was a magic mantra for all joys.

So, there I go, back to books!

Ps: bookworm

Simple life

Life is simple, really she said.

There is nothing to fear, to worry about, all you have to do is to simply be your own self.

Your journey is your own, your life is the best it can be at any moment.

The universe in her immense wisdom holds you close and whispers joys in your ears.

It does not matter who you are, where you come from, or how far you can go or you could not. Life is no race!

Each life is running its own course. It is foolish to compare one life to another.

It is silly to expect every life to have similar timelines. It is bound to be unique and different as our souls are.

Even what you feel is not here is with you in this moment, is truly yours. Not everything is tangible or to be tactile and measurable.

All you need to do is to smile and just let go.

When the clamor at the office goes into a high pitch, just step aside and watch what unfolds.

When in personal life you find yourself trapped or cornered or feeling unhappy for a long time, see what you can change, if that does not work, step out of the circle and start afresh.

There is some trouble with all that we start, at least initially, but when you look back you will realize how your peace of mind and your happiness was of paramount importance. Nothing matters more than that.

If you are looking for love, know that love is out there looking out for you, stay receptive and non judgmental and be grateful when it reaches you.

If you are looking for wealth, know that there is enough for all of us and you too can be as rich as you want to be. Stay positive.

It is amazing that someone said, magic happens to those who believe in it.

Remember there is nothing you need to do that makes you uncomfortable in your soul, not for anyone, not even for your own self.

Beautiful life.

Simple living.

Ps: of finding happiness

Soul from yonder

Being acutely aware of transcience of life I write what strikes me at any moment, no, not for posterity but just for myself.

Every other day, I experience deep sadness for which I have no answer nor can I put a finger to why and where this comes from.

For life has been kind and the universe protective and caring in leading me through some rather tough phases of living that when I look back I know I could not have done all that alone.

Yet, my struggles are nothing compared to what a vast majority of the living experience, it is far too insignificant and immaterial, so there is really nothing much to make of it.

And the rewards of living have been, boundless too, so I struggle to understand the source of pain. Some pains and sorrows are of our own making, so it must be, I have to conclude.

But I do often fall into a maze of thoughts and feelings that seem to take wings and grow on me and often leave me confused.

So it was when I got up today and tried to reach the office, which I didn’t instead I informed the office of my absence and sat down in deep thought, waves of emotions and feelings that seemed to overpower me.

As I sat lost and in tears, seeking universal help perhaps, I was surrounded by a sweet fragrance that I have come to associate with my brother, Balraj.

For ever since his passing on to the other side, he has found time and means to reach out and be with me and it has always been this scent that comes out of nowhere, dancing around in the room.

I know this for sure because in a few seconds the sharp smell of dettol pierces my nostrils in a corona care regime that I have sort of installed in my home.

I ask for more, sometimes eager and even manipulative, coz they say we are only intermediaries for talents and abilities, but he stays on for a few moments and moves on.

This is not the first time nor will it be last I know.

Our souls are entwined in ways beyond living and have promises to look out for each other, often I think, I would have done the same to him, had I been the one to cross over early.

It is wonderful how even in our strife, we experience the divine, the souls from yonder and it only reaffirms my faith that life and death are merely transformational stages for the soul’s passing, and that one just needs to hang on in good faith and keep up the smiles and all will be good.

Too simplistic? perhaps, who said life is some complex game, it really is not, fundamental truths of living are simple and will remain the same, I guess.

Andrew, my cat, makes it a point to sit next to me in such times as if trying to tell me that he is there, its is kind of sweet of him.

pleasures of solitude

once the company of the self

fits you well

every conversation becomes noise

every hustle and bustle an intrusion

every conversation a waste of time

every reaching out paste .

Yet, solitude is not loneliness though sometimes it is disguised so.

You wonder at the state of mind till you realize and reconnect

to the bliss of solitude.

A ‘Simble’ Girl

‘This is how I want her to be’, the man spoke passionately.

She listened to his dream. He was young, his parents wanted him to get married. He, preferred someone from ‘nadu’, his place, Kerala. ‘They are the best’, you know chechi’, he said.

‘Besides there is something about our culture in Kerala, right, he added, though he has been to Kerala only on Summer vacations so far, ‘that is what I am looking for. I like when the typical Kerala girl looks down shyly, you know….’, I nodded encouragingly. ‘Hmm….’

His fantasy.

It was a pretty picture of ‘her’, a woman who could laugh with him, a’simble woman’ he emphasized. She is to be un-spoilt of the city vibes.

The picture of a village belle who was unambitious and unassuming but smart enough to walk with him in the path of life, naïve enough to worship him as a super hero, was what seemed to allure him.

A ‘simble woman’ who cooked delicious food and waited eagerly for his approval.

A beautiful young girl who preferred sari to the modern attire, whom he could protect and take care of, enjoy showing the real world, the mean world of which he could talk to her and watch her listen to him in amusement.

Th e girl has to worship his simple down to earth parents, he did not forget to add, should wear her culinary skills as an ornament. ‘Also my mother, chechi is like a goddess, she really is , have you met her?’

‘No’. (thank god!)

‘I would love to take her around the streets of Bangalore, ‘I don’t think she will be able to go around alone, and it will be fun for me to show her around and show her off too, to my friends, whose wives I find are not often in their control. I have observed that these women laugh too much and too loud, and the dresses they wear, I need not even say.’

‘You know our girls look good in traditional as well as modern clothes, have you noticed?’

‘Really!’ I looked at him surprised.

‘Last month I had been to my town, we have seen a few girls. One girl I rejected outright, she wanted to know my salary, you see, straight away, on to my face, must be a spoilt one.’

‘Then there was this cute girl, even the ‘jatakams’ matched but she wants to go to work. Now I am all for freedom and equality, but I said, we will see that later, since she is educated Masters that too, what is the problem, if I feel the need or my parents agree, I will send her to work. But that can’t be a demand right!

Somehow I felt uneasy with her. Too much attitude.

I am a single son chechi, whatever my parents have is mine, there is nobody to trouble her, still, all these conditions, irritate me, really’.

‘I am sure there is such a girl, chechi, like that old chirpy Manju Warrier, someone who will love me unconditionally, as I am with all my flaws and we will have a beautiful married life.’

‘Somethings take time, that’s how it works, right?’

‘So go and stay in Kerala, no for a few days, who knows your girl might be right there?’

‘Yeah, it is too humid or too rainy, that’s the problem, then my Malayalam is not that great, you know right’.

‘Ok. Good luck then, keep me posted’.

Ps: Simbly dreaming

Sky, Silence and me

Come

I said

and the sky was shy

but so was I

yet he came

fitting his formlessness

into the window frame

he wriggled in

picking up the coffee mug

he nodded

‘you are a busybody.

I have been around

for long enough

You never noticed’

I looked down

guilt and shame

writ large

He smiled gently

‘Stay with me,

in the business of living

don’t forget to live’

the aroma of coffee

filled our nostrils

and we sat with silence

Sky ,Silence, Sreelekha.

Outside In

The outside

beautiful

charming

energizing

so breeze

so light

sometimes it could flutter away

the inside though

is a story all together

different

dark rivulets run into one another

narrow crooked paths in disarray

streaming love, despair and yearning

seeking love, despair and yearning

the walls convulse in pain

then the outside

sunshine

smiles

naughty eyes

words many

myriad meanings

in living from

this to that

what is left

what prevails

what is achieved

a modicum of experiences

sometimes even untrue

fantasy like

yet live. breathe. live.

Just sign

Terrified

traumatized

he returned to books

words swam into beauties

in front of his eyes

he inhaled perfumes far off

tasted liquor ethereal

soft wafts pressed against

his sensual form

diving deep into an ocean

of unknown inhabitants

he said, hi, hello to many

wide-eyed, thrilled

treasuring his time

in the unknown

he watched as

exclamation marched

in great excitement

the comma tried to sleep

the full stop at rest

he peeped at the backside

of a parenthesis and was surprised

to see the colon hiding

semi-colon on her death bed

curving seductively

he stopped to breathe

some life

into her heart

he moved heavy sentences

to find surprising power

in phrases, in words

until he lost

it all in signs .

Mini ACT : CrAzy

So what’s up with your writing?

Nothing

Ok. Let me know if you need help.

Ok. but who is this?

Your friend

Ohk

Who though?

Name starts with M

Oh

No, not possible

No chance

Never

Not in this life time

Not at all

Nonsense

Bad joke

dud.dud.dud.

It’s Michael

Oh

ok

Thanks

I am good.

Crazy!

Living to learn

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