” I don’t want to go back to your father”, cries the heartbroken mother. A lifetime spent in service and care and then nothing to show for it, not even moments of quiet joy!
Everything is fine is indeed, a fine, short film, a leaf from the life of any Indian woman, or maybe woman beyond the geographic boundaries of this nation.
A subtle, yet deeply incisive portrayal of a slice of the emotional rollercoaster that maintaining a family demands of an Indian woman is portrayed with brutal honesty.
I watched Darlings with a chill running down my spine. Some memories of stories heard, some observed and some experienced even, manipulations of every kind are demonic to say the least.
Better sense should prevail and one should move out of dark, evil spaces because there is actually enough sunlight in this world, if only you choose to find it, like Badru did.
With the formidable Alia Bhat and Shefali Shah, the film is gripping in content and execution, a tight story line, quick fast-paced movement of the events reaching a crescendo will keep you hooked to the screen.
Ah! well! I kept looking at the mallu boy, Roshan Mathew and wondering where have I seen this guy before!!! Not to forget that Vijay Verma is truly detestable!
I come from far
said the soul
beyond the sky
the floating clouds
and the dancing breeze
I come from peace and love
pure as bliss itself
I hold a promise of joy
my smiles hide stories
of eons beyond and those in future
in my eyes you will see the lives
of many masters if you so choose
but bend now look me in the eye
hold the gaze, read in silence
dare your heart to hear a music
hitherto unknown unheard
if this be you, we shall meet again.
When the night sky folded up with his stars
the moon and the light that came with him,
I was upset truly, and was vexed at his audacity
to get me to dream and then to hide the stars
show a sky barren of shiny titbits of sparkles
instead filled with fluffy clouds floating by
It was the night sky that talked to me in my dreams
made me step out of my skin and dance till twilight
made me weary with a headiness of an ethereal kind
a certain fuzziness filling my lungs
a certain craze that knew not where it came from
and how it disappeared with the morning sky
so we quarreled, the night sky and I
for dreams that looked too far too unreal
in the bright day light and the fierce clarity it brought
‘its impossible to dream, much less to live, in this sparkling brightness
a little yellow light of the night is what gives me space to be myself
no, its not a case of jekyll and hyde, I explained
noticing his smirk and sly eye movements’
He, however, was not annoyed, wondering perhaps of wasted
sentiments, and fixed emotions, being lousy, charming, unkind
all at once, he simply said, ‘Just be yourself. It’s about time you did’.
Well! that was that.
PS: a little fuzziness is a good thing, sometimes
I looked up the movie for a second time. I like both the top actors here, Scarlett Johansson and Adam Driver. My introduction to Adam Driver was thorough that beautiful movie’ The House of Gucci’.
The acting is intense, the story resonates close with me, though I probably did not know enough to express my anger, disappointment and never really gathered courage to stand up for myself, until very late. Besides, though I felt intensely involved for a period of time, I realize now it may just have been my fanciful imagination!
Well! Marriage Story is a good, nay, a great watch. Catch it on Netflix!
Dear Friend is a new Malayalam film to be released on Netflix, well, new by my standards anyways!
The story line is interesting with an unexpected twist which leaves us stunned and taken aback but we do have such characters don’t we?
Hmm, the cast is a perfect fit. The concept of friendship is explored at multiple levels here.
Tovino works up his boyish charm with a mass of fluffy hair and a charming smile. Darshana is great too, just what the character demands of her to do.
And so is Basil, in fact all the characters are interesting, I am sure you will enjoy watching the movie.
Catch it on Netflix!
When spring came to my life a second time
he was hilariously insistent
teaching me a million tricks of joy
swaying to music being one
laughing loud at self
slyly laughing at others too
well! just some times
picking me up after every fall
telling me to embrace myself
the body my soul lives in
the voice it chooses to speak out in
the expressions on an over expressive face
and mostly a need and a deep deep desire to care
and to be cared for, to be sometimes held maybe, why not?
a little less serious, he said, snap it off, this sense of purpose
live it bright and light, the few years till the journey beyond
smile, laugh, be laughed at, its fine, its ok, he said repeatedly
gamble your heart once in a while, see what it does, let emotions be explored
and speak your heart, open, uninhibited, with no fear of censure
and chase the potluck of gold, be unabashed, wear your scars proud
show your tears, stay strong even as you are vulnerable
‘contradictory!’ I interrupted, and he said sagely
that’s life, my love!
But, I intervened again, ‘you could have said this earlier’
yep! I did, only you were not listening!
‘Too late, is it,’ I asked, bewildered
not till your breath lasts, its not
‘The grave is a fine and private place
but none I think do there embrace’
He quoted my fav lines from ‘To his coy mistress’
and I was quiet.
The Sky watched from a distance and smiled
‘carry on! ‘he winked and I fell shy!
Ask ‘why not’ instead of ‘why’
Sometime in 2014, I was working as Content Manager in a startup and was undergoing an interesting process of learning and unlearning by the day. It was challenging, yet intriguing and engaging at the same time. Two things happened, I learned to look at plumbers, electricians and beauticians with a new respect. Secondly, I was wowed by the attitude of NSDC or National Skill Development Sector and how it functioned.
During that time, I was an active toast master and a friend asked would you like to participate in a contest. I was hesitant, there is so much work at hand…on second thoughts though, I changed my mind and said, ‘Why not’. My friend, Sruthi, is a formidable speaker and she said, you give me ideas, I will create the PPT, together let’s do it’. ‘Gliteratti’ was a new format that the toastmasters had introduced and one could participate in teams. And it stuck. We had our own hilarious take on the garbage spewing habit in our country..it seemed to click. From the club, to area, to district, we rode on an invisible tight rope and won accolades until we ended up at finals.
We didn’t win at the finals, but the need to ask ‘why not’ instead of ‘why’ stayed with me.
Ask why not to life and the opportunities that come your way, and see the magic!!!
I had been planning to buy an apartment which was disabled friendly, one in which my brother could move around in his wheel chair, and feel independent and happy.
I had also been to the Disability Commissioner in New Delhi to petition for my brother’s case. So I worked hard, did extra work for extra income, kept up a straight face despite marital discord and smiled a lot in general. The little girl who was growing up to become an adult was my prime motivation.
Then, it came to me, as a bolt from the blue, my brother is no more! ‘Why??? I knew I could take care of you. I was getting there, I told to myself angrily, why did you have to leave like that???’
But those were just thoughts, my parents were heart broken, as the single earning member, I had no time to grieve. I rushed back to work and work did help, so did the students whose sweet good mornings always cheered me up.
But the pain was excruciating, the feeling of guilt was huge, the disappointment of not being able to be the elder sister I wanted to be was unrelenting, and I wept myself to sleep so many days after.
Work and more work was good to keep the interest in living but then I came across a course from EFLU or English and Foreign Languages University, an online course. I immediately registered for the course, the sheer number of assignments was daunting, yet I knew it was the right medicine to heal my heart.
Soon after, the freshly minted text books arrived, looking rather frail and dainty but heavy on content. Days of reading and making notes followed. As I submitted my assignments, my joy grew many times over. I was already back on track, I sensed an enthusiasm for life in my guts and breathed easy.
When the evaluated sheets came back, I felt overjoyed at the results, they looked good. This positivity that came from learning radiated in the house too. My daughter and I spent some fun times together and I was not giving into the temptation to ask some very pertinent questions to the man and his mother…
I was able to let things go and focus on myself and building a better future for my daughter.
‘You are like a man’, said my husband taunting me, and I looked at him with disinterest. The taunts were not getting to me now. I had noticed that it has been sometime since I smiled happily. I saw that I was unsure of myself in many ways. I saw the anomaly in the taunt that ‘you don’t know to stand up for yourself’ at office versus the silence forced on me at home. I had too much to reflect upon.
I knew I had to be strong for what was coming ahead. I knew my brother’s passing away was a wake up call for me. I had a few people to whom I felt indebted and it was not possible to sit and cry.
I must say that studying has always helped me, to keep my mind clear of negativity, to stay in a bubble of joy despite what was going around, or at least to get back to my cheerful self.
Later, when I registered for PhD, it was the same thought that motivated me, books are great, reading, the best, writing, the exact medicine to overcome hurt or pain, and I immersed myself into the process of learning once again.
As I type out my thesis, I am in a state of exhilaration, a sense of great satisfaction is overwhelming me and I am regaining my ‘devil may care’ attitude.
And I am reminded of Dr. Faustus who traded his soul to Mephistopheles to learn necromancy, that is one work of literature, that I always found deeply interesting. Do I see my soul brother in Dr. Faustus? May be ,maybe not!
And the beloved Ulysses who could travel endlessly to quench his thirst for knowledge….
‘To follow knowledge like a sinking star….’
‘To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.”
“I am a part of all that I have met;
Yet all experience is an arch wherethro’
Gleams that untravell’d world whose margin fades
For ever and forever when I move.
How dull it is to pause, to make an end,
To rust unburnish’d, not to shine in use!” – Ullysses by Tennyson
“So, break my heart,
break as many times as you may
for I find refuge in the books of the world
or in stories waiting to be told
for which hopefully I am the conduit
and the words, let them flow, let them flow…..
When life chose to dish out one in a million disease to a soul so kind, so true that he was almost divine, it left all of stunned, staggering in disbelief, wondering what was justice anyways, no pain seemed greater, there seemed no reason to fight anything, if this can happen to him, then what was life, was it worth anything!!!
Into that chaos pain and a feeling of smallness, helplessness, amma’s stern tear strained instruction always came out loud and clear, ‘no tears, Lekha, no crying, see, I always make him smile, he will be ok soon’.
Then it started years of endless treatment, when allopathy said, ‘sorry’, we moved to ayurveda, then when ayurveda showed doubt, we tried pranic healing, then amma learnt Reiki and sometimes she sat in a temple with a rag spread in front of her, some astrologer suggested that she should do that and donate that money…well… everything and anything, just about anything, achan and amma went the whole hog for this young man.
He just sat in his wheel chair, listened to music, in between screaming and shouting choicest of abuses at his parents, asked amma to dress well, advised achan to take care of his health and reminded me to do my NET.
Yes, the National Eligibility Test for lectureship, mentored my child on good behaviour, sometimes played scrabble and listened to every conversation, and once wondered to amma,’ just because I am on wheel chair , does it mean I can’t hear what they are saying!’ and amma hushed him up.
Last 3 years of his living on the planet was spent enquiring on the job status of my husband and somehow it seemed to him that my financial instability would not help me support him, so I think because he seemed to lose interest in life and eventually decided to move on……. nine years ago on this day….
I know of souls that transcend and of how human life is all about transience, yet, when amma shared a pic of my parents visit to a students hostel to distribute food, I was enveloped in a surreal fragrance of heavenly scents, just like every time, it has happened in the past, when my brother’s soul chooses to visit me, but unlike every other time, I sat put, closed my eyes and inhaled the fragrance, just let myself be in the moment, without any doubt or cross checking of ‘ is this true, is this imaginary’… yes, that was that.
Adhyapika 