Upgrading and after

I am euphoric literally! I have just upgraded to the Premium Plan on Word Press and have also got a new site address.

Frankly this is a major upgrade for my ambition/my journey as a writer/ blogger/poet.

For years since I started writing, I never had the courage to tell any one of what I wrote, I am too personal in my writing I thought more in the fashion of Montaigne. There is too much of me in what I write or is it just my feeling?

I had questions and so many of them. Will I reveal too much of myself? Will the dark hidden secrets jump of my closet, surprising me and embarrassing those who know me?

Will my writing restricted as it is to the small area of my operation, school, college, students, teachers, family be too monotonous even to myself.

Yet, in a momentary lapse of judgement and self-criticism I went ahead and opened an account on WordPress!

I said this is going to be only about notes for the students at the school, whom I had sort of left in the lurch in the middle of an academic year and was feeling extremely guilty about the same.

But then, it was not to be.

A straight path is never mine, it has to wind  and wind and roll over and over to get to where it has to, if it has to ever!

So, I started writing of everything under the sun, sometimes, my blog page is the recipient of confessions galore, other times it is a witness to the interesting parade of life and living, often times a comment on what is happening around, at times the preacher-teacher in me takes hold and starts trumpeting values, which I myself find to be too demanding!

Today, as I see this page, I am over whelmed of how this journey has taken shape.

Hopes rise

even amidst strife

life and living calls

as long as breath lasts

dreams stay

even as nightmarish shudders stifle

new sounds

newer sights

friends and companions

come and go in a constant flux

seeking eternity in the transience of it all






You have no ego!

‘You have no ego, you are a team player’ and I look up at the speaker in gratitude conveniently ignoring the inherent hyperbole in the statement.

But I also remember thinking,’ Is that bad?’ ‘Should I do something about this?’ .

I  joined a residential school as a student of 8th standard. I was built small and  my friend, Soniya told me later that she & her friends mistook me to be a student of 4th standard. That’s quite possible because I was little and was dressed in a frock.

At the hostel I entered and started off talking in English, it was because my mother had impressed upon me that it was difficult to get admission to this prestigious school and that I was supposed to conduct myself in a certain manner.

My mother is exceptionally good at drilling in duties and responsibilities. I remember how as kids, me and my brother were reminded of the difficulty with which father earned that we never ever dared to ask for treats like a visit to a hotel, pocket money or something like that. In fact, we would strictly refuse gifts by anyone.

Well, as a part of my introduction to the hostel routine a customary ragging session was to happen. I was first called into a room by the 10 th standard seniors, who asked me to remove my dress. As I looked bewildered, they relented and allowed me to go. On another occasion, I was called to the terrace by the ‘chechis’ or seniors and I rushed upstairs. There was a rainbow in the sky and one of the seniors asked me to bow to the rainbow and pray. I did that without any question.

My classmates laughed at me for my stupidity. In my mind though, it was like’ what’s the harm if it made them happy?’  It was only later that I learned to counter ‘ so what?’.

It was at a yoga session that the trainer an expert in chakra reading, acupuncture etc. told me that I had no ego and that left me confused to the point of being distressed!

A state of no-ego is beyond too high a standard but it is always good not to think too high of yourself, it does help. As a teacher and trainer and later as manager it helped me to build good teams at my work places.I must insist’ work places’ because in spite of my being a team player and team creator , I could have done much better at the home front,so I feel!

Currently it is my effort to reach a right balance between being accommodating and being assertive. I guess these are not conflicting states of mind but the self-effacing attitude of my parents is what I modeled my behavior after.

I now keep trying to find a mid-space where I am confident yet not arrogant, assertive even as I am accommodating! Life is all about learning, and the learning continues…

So it has been so far!

Kitty Times

Kitty goes to the doctor.

My daughter donning her caring sisterly avatar took the kitty for her vaccination but came back with her heart a little pinched, ‘mom’, she said,’ I can’t bear to see her like this’. The kitty who is ideally named Messi for her excellent ball handling, passing, goal posting skills has been at her quietest best. Suddenly, it is like the house has gone silent without her insistent meows and her requests to play and let her out.

Our mornings are ever more hectic these days and getting out of the house is a task in itself. For one thing, Messi senses exactly when we are about to leave but she is still a child and can be easily distracted. So we usually get a toy for her and then quietly slip out of the house.

Its painful to be alone at home so when we are back, she demands her due  by getting us to play with her, a meow here, a meow there for food, for some scratching or for some pampering. The other day when I sat down with my daughter next to me, Messi jumped right on to my lap as if asking for the same attention.

Ameena one of my former colleagues and an ardent admirer of cats once said, you have not loved fully till you have loved a pet… how true!


Went to a doc!

Went to a doc

and showed my head

he tapped it hard

twisted it like a vase

a grin on his face

a growl in his voice

he said

there is a hole at the base

what did you let out?

I squirmed a bit

but admitted the truth

‘I let out some steam

a few old dreams

two and a half men to be precise

a few old grouse

some very old curses

dusted off some memories

randomly occurring fantasies

a few laughter

a few big tears

some fartingly old painful truths

of jealousies

and manipulations

a sin or two

I never confessed

a dream or two

I guess I will never accomplish

a few grey hairs

some moustache

blame it on hormonal imbalance

that is about it I guess!’

‘Well its time lady’

he stopped me

too uninterested in the story

‘the question was just the routine

you needn’t have been too sincere

well your confessions are safe with me

coz  I hardly listened

my girl friend is on fire!

get off

be gone

next please!’

CT Scan and After

To lie down into a coffin like structure

to be moved not out of my own volition

to be studied, scrutinized and marked

to be medically dissected, scanned and pictured

to allow the ‘experts’ to decide what my brain knows not

at least what my mind has not registered

to succumb to the rule of the mighty radiologist

and the mightier machine that whirs and rumbles and grumbles

to know not of what secrets of my intellectual capital will be revealed

to yet quieten the intelligence if there is any of such kind

to realize the ‘computed tomography’ somehow

sounds too close to the tomb!

yet to feel somehow important enough

to kind of enjoy the halo around the head

to think rather irrationally of Tutankhamun

the prince who died young and left enough for the world to ponder

what caused his mighty death?

what jealousy? what disease? what rivalry?

to know for sure not an ant will turn if such were to be my end!

for I will leave nothing but a few words of fluffy ruminations

borrowed wisdom and regurgitated truths

to finally get up, thank the universe for a body that moves

a brain/ mind that registered ‘it’s over!’ and scoot!


PS: the first time at the CT and the last, hopefully!

After the fall!

You and I wake up each morning with an agenda, ‘got to do that’, ‘got to do this’, then after that ‘will start this’, or just ‘let me catch the bus in time!’

In my mind as I am sitting in the bus taking us to the university I am constantly ticking off things to do, ‘ok, so she had her breakfast,’, ‘have to talk to my mom’, ‘that attendance register is pending’, ‘that report has to go’ and so on and so forth.

Usually its a mixed bag of emotions, but mostly the inner voice is critical of unfinished tasks, ‘the electricity bill, not paid’, ‘plan for that’, ‘this’ and so it goes.

Sometimes I am reminded of accumulating fat, or the birthday that I forgot or a wish for a truer friend!

Other times, it is the job and its associated tensions

Today on our way to the bus stop on the two wheeler, we meaning both myself and my daughter got hit and well a lamp post and my daughter’s scooter kind of saved us from greater pain and injury.

When I lay there on the foot path, my eyes shut and still in shock, my mind became alert suddenly and looked out for my daughter. Having seen her intact, I turned around to register what was happening to me, some injury at the back of my head, oh! but then I catch the sight of a familiar face, peering at me, one of my students!, thank god and I brighten up instantly asking for his hand to get up and then we go to the hospital and the usual stuff!

But the point is, suddenly it was as if every thing around me slowed down, as if life was in slow motion, gently lapping by, it seemed as if for that few seconds and then till now in the evening as I am typing this out, a sense of slowness has entered my mind and my sense of being, a sense of grounding, painful, yes, but also thankful for escaping what could have been rather major otherwise!

Sitting at home, thinking about those precise moments of somersault of which I have no recollection, I wonder how life turns in a split second, for the better or the worse, with impending classes of PhD at the university, exam duties, report submissions, preparation and what not, this lull… a certain slowness…that has taken over my being, my awareness of things around.

It is funny how life forces these moments on us… and how quickly we forget the transience of living!

Sometimes a fall, a change in the routine, helps put things in the right perspective! Mostly though, it just important to feel thankful for what is than cry over what is not!

Cheers to life, living and happiness as long as life lasts!

Tinted Glasses

When you view those around you with your glasses tinted with prejudice, distrust or misinformation, you are likely to know them less, underestimate them or even lose them totally.

It is a good idea to check the glasses, to wipe off accumulated mist of ignorance, of opinions, prejudices and what not!

Let me recount one incidence that is more recent. While driving home to my flat in Bannerghatta Road from my previous work place, Alliance University, Anekal, I usually take the less congested Jigani Road. I like the route because of the exquisite beauty of the surroundings, the sprawling trees that border the roads, the site of fields, lakes and greenery does make it worth fighting your way through rather heavy trucks and vehicles that occupy the road. One day while returning home, I notice a man riding a bike at high speed, his left leg precariously stretched out and I can’t but nod my head at the antics of young people prone to theatrics on the road. As I come nearer, I realize to my dismay that the leg is a Jaipur foot and feel remorseful for having judged him wrongly.

Balraj,my brother, was not well and was wheel chair bound.That he was physically immobile did not in any way hamper his intelligence, now this fact, was missed out by even the most knowledgeable and learned.So it happened once that there was this rather heated conversation about his condition and the difficulties it caused right in front of him. He listened quietly and when he was alone later he asked my mother, ‘amma, why do people think I can’t understand what I hear, if it is in English?’.  Somethings, some situations can only be sighed at, so it was for amma that day.

Before rushing to condemn and criticize, take a moment to revisit the thought so that what is said  is also sensible and better still sensitive to others feelings!


Tinted glasses often cloud the vision

what looks happy may yet be lonely

that which looks rich may just be poor

what we tout as not being right

may sometimes be a plight

smiles do drown  tears

hearts grin even in pain

a splash here, a dab there

may just be an attempt to hide

scars of living and sometimes of giving

or maybe those sore pores of yearning

gaps that seem never to fill

hopes that elude realization

trapped in the world of fantasies

dreams that are still a-chasing

destinies scrambling for destinations

of choice, of love, of comfort

what is is often, what is not!





Turn around,scoot!

So that was it

scoot we did

when we did not want to do it

handle it

or get stressed

so we laughed

as we scoot

‘sometimes throw in your hat

just walk out, no, run for your life

sometimes just turn around and


PS: not all troubles are worth the trouble! In memory of a misadventure!

Of moorings

It took me time to find my mooring

away from ‘him’,’her’, ‘his’, ‘her’, ‘their’

far away from ‘that’, ‘those’, ‘these’ and ‘others’

anchoring into my own brittle self

so convoluted in my own thoughts

so lost in the tornadoes of fantasy and reality

so confused to know which is which

I entered gingerly into who I am

it was a revelation,still partly revealing, ‘an epiphany’

haven’t I been here, I thought

haven’t I seen this part of me, I asked

‘yes’ and ‘no’ and ‘something in between’

the abyss of the self

the ruminations of the mind

the many truths of many people

the many loves and the many hates

the many hurts and the many strengths

the ‘you’s and the  ‘I’s

and then nothing

and then everything

and even anything

but he said it well

‘let your house not be your anchor, let it be your mast’!

so it is!