Upgrading and after

I am euphoric literally! I have just upgraded to the Premium Plan on Word Press and have also got a new site address.

Frankly this is a major upgrade for my ambition/my journey as a writer/ blogger/poet.

For years since I started writing, I never had the courage to tell any one of what I wrote, I am too personal in my writing I thought more in the fashion of Montaigne. There is too much of me in what I write or is it just my feeling?

I had questions and so many of them. Will I reveal too much of myself? Will the dark hidden secrets jump of my closet, surprising me and embarrassing those who know me?

Will my writing restricted as it is to the small area of my operation, school, college, students, teachers, family be too monotonous even to myself.

Yet, in a momentary lapse of judgement and self-criticism I went ahead and opened an account on WordPress!

I said this is going to be only about notes for the students at the school, whom I had sort of left in the lurch in the middle of an academic year and was feeling extremely guilty about the same.

But then, it was not to be.

A straight path is never mine, it has to wind  and wind and roll over and over to get to where it has to, if it has to ever!

So, I started writing of everything under the sun, sometimes, my blog page is the recipient of confessions galore, other times it is a witness to the interesting parade of life and living, often times a comment on what is happening around, at times the preacher-teacher in me takes hold and starts trumpeting values, which I myself find to be too demanding!

Today, as I see this page, I am over whelmed of how this journey has taken shape.

Hopes rise

even amidst strife

life and living calls

as long as breath lasts

dreams stay

even as nightmarish shudders stifle

new sounds

newer sights

friends and companions

come and go in a constant flux

seeking eternity in the transience of it all

 

 

 

 

 

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You have no ego!

‘You have no ego, you are a team player’ and I look up at the speaker in gratitude conveniently ignoring the inherent hyperbole in the statement.

But I also remember thinking,’ Is that bad?’ ‘Should I do something about this?’ .

I  joined a residential school as a student of 8th standard. I was built small and  my friend, Soniya told me later that she & her friends mistook me to be a student of 4th standard. That’s quite possible because I was little and was dressed in a frock.

At the hostel I entered and started off talking in English, it was because my mother had impressed upon me that it was difficult to get admission to this prestigious school and that I was supposed to conduct myself in a certain manner.

My mother is exceptionally good at drilling in duties and responsibilities. I remember how as kids, me and my brother were reminded of the difficulty with which father earned that we never ever dared to ask for treats like a visit to a hotel, pocket money or something like that. In fact, we would strictly refuse gifts by anyone.

Well, as a part of my introduction to the hostel routine a customary ragging session was to happen. I was first called into a room by the 10 th standard seniors, who asked me to remove my dress. As I looked bewildered, they relented and allowed me to go. On another occasion, I was called to the terrace by the ‘chechis’ or seniors and I rushed upstairs. There was a rainbow in the sky and one of the seniors asked me to bow to the rainbow and pray. I did that without any question.

My classmates laughed at me for my stupidity. In my mind though, it was like’ what’s the harm if it made them happy?’  It was only later that I learned to counter ‘ so what?’.

It was at a yoga session that the trainer an expert in chakra reading, acupuncture etc. told me that I had no ego and that left me confused to the point of being distressed!

A state of no-ego is beyond too high a standard but it is always good not to think too high of yourself, it does help. As a teacher and trainer and later as manager it helped me to build good teams at my work places.I must insist’ work places’ because in spite of my being a team player and team creator , I could have done much better at the home front,so I feel!

Currently it is my effort to reach a right balance between being accommodating and being assertive. I guess these are not conflicting states of mind but the self-effacing attitude of my parents is what I modeled my behavior after.

I now keep trying to find a mid-space where I am confident yet not arrogant, assertive even as I am accommodating! Life is all about learning, and the learning continues…

So it has been so far!