Been home bound for quite some time now and have I been unhappy, not the least!
It has been so quietening to be at home. Not to have to get up and bother of what to wear, of putting up a smile too big or too small, of not having to answer those inquisitive questions have been a blessing. I am beginning to think that contrary to what I thought I was, that is being an out going and people person,perhaps I am not.
That was a self-revelation!
So I have been listening to a friend who has been talking about the numerous parties he threw, how he regaled audiences and how much he is the very life of it all and I thought to myself, why don’t I feel envious, I don’t, I really don’t . In fact. I was quite happy to think that I don’t have to put up these shows!
I didn’t tell that to the poor boy! to him I expressed my deepest appreciation and said, ‘oh! what a life, man!’.
What is with this love to be at one’s own place, to mostly lie down, read, write, dream, act as if i am thinking and then doze off again!
As the lock down begins to wind up, I am going to miss this absolute stillness, of not having to venture out, of not having to speak too much, but just be here at home and be lost in dreams and fantasies!
I realized why I always wanted to go home soon after a function or an event, for which I might have had to deck up a bit so as to get back to normalcy as quickly as possible.
I understood why I never went to large gatherings, big weddings, huge functions, concerts etc, I never wanted to or rather I am not comfortable in those spaces.
Interestingly I was almost getting into self-pity thinking, oh, poor me, have never known the fun of living,what a waste my life has been, nothing to boast about and on top of all that think of my poor poor hobbies to read, to write, to teach, what utter nonsense!
But I soon realized that my kind of fun is a little different may be, maybe not.
So now I know why I won’t rush to a party, why I would shy off from being photographed , would rather not doll up if possible or won’t jump on to stage if possible, why I am ok being in the background.
So, it is not that there are no opportunities it is just that I chose to stay away.
It is just that I like to be in good company, smaller, cozier than random strangers jumping up and down together.
I would rather meet my old friends than go to any fancy restaurant and show off!
I would most preferably chill with my daughter than any big shot ever.
Also, strangely I never ever had a film personality I looked up to. I mean I never felt fascinated enough to put a poster of one ever.
Hmm..except maybe Leander Paes, only he is one of India’s most valuable Tennis player.
Perhaps the only crush I ever had except for Gabriela Sabatini and a bit of Goran Ivanisevic and a little of John Mcnroe’s craziness. Ok, maybe Martina Navratilova too, to some extent.
And that makes me feel some how cooler!