Faith,some times strangely weak and low but at other times surging in waves of optimism, of dreams, of ideas, of thoughts, of being able to do something.
Something, what is that something, where does it begin? Will it see its own flourish or decline, will it in that process, let me grow or pull me down?
Will I be bewildered at my own audacity and suddenly quit?
Will I, so often terrified of being lonely, be able to stand up and fight and build something beautiful despite fear, of failure, of mockery, of being a very public and unique disaster?
Will I be able to manage the queries about a life so uninteresting and yet different in its own way?
How will I be able to justify, even if I care not, will I have the strength to steer through?
Listening to Paul Kalanithi’s When Breath Becomes Air, it is impossible for me to not think of possible pitfalls of a leap of faith.
I listened to my fellow colleague who had quit recently a lady of a stern spine, one who refused to placate and plead as she urged me to stay on’you put in a lot of hard work and thought, you should not be deprived of its benefits’, she said.
I wondered if I really wanted that. I wondered if there was ambition enough in me to scale up professionally.
Perhaps I don’t want to be in a fight for petty causes over pettier things, my chair, your chair, my view, yours….
There should be something better.
There has to be a purpose for every life.
When life times are measured against set standards, I am sure of being found a failure, but in my own ways, I have protested and stayed clear of expectations, treasuring my freedom of thought, and now independence in living.
A friend invited to set up a new system, ‘ you could be a good asset’, I thanked for the invitation. Very tempting indeed. What would I not give for the freedom of expression and the company of a friendly mentor and guide?
While efforts to get to the purposes of life should never go lax, it is important to acknowledge and understand the many factors beyond, forces and times that have a life of their and will still have the power to impact you.
Hold on to dear faith
seek always new ways
forget and forgive
what is not to be
who are not around
except for living
a clean state
so smile, smile and live.