OF Ennui

Anu wanted to sleep. A long sleep. More sleep. Then just sleep. Her insistence on sleep annoyed and frightened me.

I wondered if it is loss of interest in living,a setting in of ‘ennui’, but I did not probe, more out of my own fear of a truth that could be too much to handle.

She smiled as cheerfully as always yet she clearly was like a tree trunk that wanted to sit or lean against a wall or just lie down.

This could be burn out I suggested helpfully, ‘nah!’ she ruled it out immediatlely.

I looked on at her ‘so whatness’ and ‘ whateverness’ in distress, not knowing what was there for me to do to help or whether I should just standby or perhaps just move out of the view. I did not know.

She did not know either, I thought, or she should have stopped me when I moved out, declaring my disinterest in one so less interested in self, but, no, she did not call or revert or show any sign of my needfulness, I kept quiet.

That was our last conversation.

I said good bye to a friend who could have been around longer.

Some said it was an accident.

I did not believe it.

I had been witness to her unresponsiveness.

Perhaps I should have checked.

But again, who knows what is right or what is wrong in life.

Everything looks so unclear from from outside.

I picked my bag to visit my second best friend and surely

I am going to stay a bit longer, ask afer a bit more, that should help.

Perhaps she wanted me to realize it.

It is easy to assume what could have been done or could have made a difference but to do what is needed in the moment is the real difficulty.

Anyways, keep the cheers up!

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