Anu wanted to sleep. A long sleep. More sleep. Then just sleep. Her insistence on sleep annoyed and frightened me.
I wondered if it is loss of interest in living,a setting in of ‘ennui’, but I did not probe, more out of my own fear of a truth that could be too much to handle.
She smiled as cheerfully as always yet she clearly was like a tree trunk that wanted to sit or lean against a wall or just lie down.
This could be burn out I suggested helpfully, ‘nah!’ she ruled it out immediatlely.
I looked on at her ‘so whatness’ and ‘ whateverness’ in distress, not knowing what was there for me to do to help or whether I should just standby or perhaps just move out of the view. I did not know.
She did not know either, I thought, or she should have stopped me when I moved out, declaring my disinterest in one so less interested in self, but, no, she did not call or revert or show any sign of my needfulness, I kept quiet.
That was our last conversation.
I said good bye to a friend who could have been around longer.
Some said it was an accident.
I did not believe it.
I had been witness to her unresponsiveness.
Perhaps I should have checked.
But again, who knows what is right or what is wrong in life.
Everything looks so unclear from from outside.
I picked my bag to visit my second best friend and surely
I am going to stay a bit longer, ask afer a bit more, that should help.
Perhaps she wanted me to realize it.
It is easy to assume what could have been done or could have made a difference but to do what is needed in the moment is the real difficulty.
Anyways, keep the cheers up!