I always wanted to be able to gift. I remember when my brother got a job, I excitedly wanted to distribute sweets to my neighbours.
‘They will never value your gift. They will just throw it away. ‘
Stung to the core, I withdrew and kept quiet. Still I fulfilled my desire to be able to gift by reaching out to my small circle.
I was not sure of how my gift will be seen. ‘Will they value it?’ , ‘Will they make fun of me?’
So, I lavished gifts on my precious girl and my parents , surely they never went unnoticed.
But recently I have felt this huge urge to reach out again.
Sometimes a wave of desire to reach out, touch a life, comes over me, and I am almost helpless as I am pressed to express and show that ‘You matter to me’, in some simple way.
So I started conscious gifting last year, when I bought some cute little stuff and gave it to everyone I wanted to give.
It felt so good, yes, it was nothing very costly, but the ability to reach out thrilled me to bits.
I wanted so deeply to share my gratitude and tell those around me that they mattered to me, that they have impacted my life. Some of my colleagues and friends were a bit surprised, but they graciously accepted my small offering.
I kept telling my daughter, how as a teacher, who always ran short of money, I have been stingy perhaps, not willing to share, and how I regret it.
Then when I got a chance to redeem myself, I found in my aunt a willing partner, her art works came to my rescue.
I made a list of my girl gang, girls who are sometimes pepping me up with their kind words, sometimes just being themselves and inspiring or energizing me in some way, It was a long list that I had, and then I went about ordering little stuff and started giving it to my friends.
The ability to express my gratitude was enormously satisfying, in fact thrilling.
Why , asked someone, just because you are the way you are, I said.
I fought trepidation, doubt, fear of being misunderstood, and a lot of other things as I went about telling the other person, ‘keep this please, this is for you!’ . Yes, I also felt very shy.
But today as I write this down, I thank the universe for her smiles and those beautiful human beings who touched my life, one way or the other.
I am so grateful.
I would not have made it this far without the girls in my life. Those souls who worked with me, connected with me, told me ‘your book is sitting in the book shelf’, ‘come out of your shell’ and such stuff that I held on to like a life jacket.
Life is truly beautiful, when together.