Throughout my school life, especially when I studying for my 10 th standard at LSN Convent, Ottapalam, as a boarder, I was notorious for my sleep.
Deep, pleasant sleep that waited on me and pounced on me at the slightest chance that I could be found sleeping in the classroom, in the study after a good early morning bath, in the dormitory and everywhere else that it was a good joke for my classmates.
They happily named me Kumbarakaran’s sister. I never minded this until our class teacher, Mary Kutty Teacher who taught social sciences in the after lunch hour and read the text in her sonorous voice, always turned to me to ask, Sreelekha, are you here, ivide undo? to the laughter of my classmates.
This continued and when my father came to visit me in the hostel on a working day and met my class teacher to inquire about my studies, she brought it up again and father asked turned to me to ask, ‘ should I take you to the doctor?’ and I just looked down ashamed.
But when Baby mama would say that he never slept for years, I could not believe it, he being a student of law, said that he had so much to study over night that he has now lost the habit of sleeping!
Strange, I thought, how can one not sleep!!!!
During the college days I would have a luxurious bath with amma’s different medicated hair oils that would ensure a good two hour sleep soon after the bath. This irked my brother who would run to amma complaining, ‘She is not studying, she is sleeping’.
Well, I was smarter because I stocked my room with enough eatables to supposedly ward off sleep and to focus on studies, well, sleep just stayed on as a good friend….well, a good cup of coffee only made me sleep longer!!!!
Now like other blessed sleepers, I take pride in the excuse that I must have a clear conscience to be able to sleep so much and so long to annoy others who apparently struggle for a good night’s sleep.
My father though, blames my sleep on ‘pitta’ which I know is not correct!!!
So, while discussing sleep deprivation, my friend and colleague said how she was blessed in every sense with a loving husband, enough and more wealth, 2 happy girls , a good job but was sleep deprived.
I told her that she should focus on herself and stop thinking of others. But how, asked she?
I had recently discovered how I was caught in the same loop of thoughts that went on and on in my mind. Some related to a certain someone, another related to my failed marriage and then my brother who passed away and how I could not do anything about it. Then my apparent lack of smartness, luck and other interesting forms of self-victimization.
One day I watched my thoughts and wrote them down. As I did it I was shocked to see how the same loop of thoughts have had a hold over me for so many years.
How crazy could I be? I was stuck by this revelation and started to call out baseless, negative ,self serving, idiotic thought loops, it was like I could recognize where this thought was going and I simple shirked it off so as to keep my mind free. And this helped hugely.
People tell me that there is a certain lightness about me, and I regained my laughter and smile big time, and realized how little there is to complain about in life for and how far I have come.
So, if you feel stressed out for no reason, just write down your thoughts. You will be surprised at how the thoughts take hold of you. My friend who did this upon my suggestion was so shocked at the absolute hold of certain thoughts over her that she has vowed to continue the exercise for a few more days.
What this did to me is to give me an ability to reckon a negative, disparaging thought that was waiting to slyly pounce on me and take hold of my emotions and stop it right there with a smile, ‘hey, not you, not like that, I know that’s not what it is’ and take my thoughts and feelings to the more positive, vibrant aspects of living.
So, may be I was doing this a bit earlier too, because I am often asked’, why are you on such a high?’ or something to that effect by people who find my high end optimism and smile a little too much to take or even get offended by it and blame me for ‘immaturity’… funny.
So, now I know what is getting where, like almost, though I wish the wisdom had dawned on me a little earlier as it would have saved me from a lot of pain but not too late, either…
So, cool , what are you waiting for?
Check your loop of thoughts, write them out for a day or two, and free yourself from the bondage of thoughts….
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