Of many things that is difficult, is the ability to be with oneself. Really, to be able to accept who you are, how you are is a very difficult task.
For years I have known myself to struggle with self acceptance, I have sought validation from others, sometimes from work, at times from colleagues and often from my parents and always from my daughter.
The details of why this acceptance was difficult are not one but too many. Yet, there has always forever been a need to be heard and understood. If not understood but atleast to be heard, ‘hear me’, hear me out’ my soul seemed to cry out.
And then came writing and with it a huge sense of validation. A feeling of being heard and understood, maybe maybe not, but definitely the thirsty sharer in me, found a space, and a positive one at that.
Some time in 2014, I came to realise how all human experiences are more or less similar, though the timelines and the intensity may differ and that there is essentially no shame in sharing, that was partly because of ISABS and many other such experiences that I came to be part of. And that helped and stayed with me.
So, it is not difficult then to share, but to be understood is a different ball game altogether, but that is ok, I guess. Whoever felt understood totally, in life. When understanding self takes a whole life time, how can one expect others to make sense of who you are.
In all this introspection and the need to be heard, I decided to take myself out, yes, after quite sometime, I went out with myself. I was at leisure, I was the observer and the observed. I found it fascinating how the act of stepping out itself seemed to energize me.
Suddenly I was lighter and the world merrier and azure indeed!
Yes, I felt assured too, reassured of my time on the planet and maybe a small part of the ‘why’.
Sometimes, just sometimes then
go sit with yourself with a mug of coffee
spreading its aroma in the room and filling
your nostrils with an other worldliness
sometimes, just sometimes, go take yourself out
dress up and put on that dash of a lipstick
and admire yourself, feel beautiful
go saunter in the malls, stand and watch
its ok to do that alone, you are aware of it
for the onlookers you are just having a ball
so just have a heluva time with yourself
sit down at the restraunt and watch
and smile sometimes at random strangers
and be surprised when they smile back
the world is not all that bad or brooding nor dull
be your own good company, remember to love yourself
before you find someone to love you as your own.
Go pick up a cycle, barge into a dance class, enter a pub
do whatever that your heart calls for.
Cluck your heels, show your skirts short, long whatever
put on that pant, and that top and don’t be shy of showing
some skin, its ok, coz you know what Maya Angelou said
Coz in yourself, in your own true self, you are phenomenal too
go embrace yourself and put out a pic, don’t be afraid of judgement
after much living, what is with so much thinking
if in 50’s you are as you were in 20’s then what for
were the life changing experiences for you
what did you unravel, what layers did you shed
look yourself in the eye and the world looks up to you
Just go girl! Just go!