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Some Love it is

Some love it is she thought to stay put for the longest time.

It is a winner, a true winner, to have forever faced roadblocks and to have been alive and kicking.

Forever it has faced obstacles, one too many first the diffidence in her, then the search for words, then the fear of inadequacy, then the succumbing to pressures,then his being taciturn but inspite of her many efforts to forget, it has lived within and grown consuming her heart and soul and growing in her a desire a deep yearning to hold him, to care for him, to love him.

For years, for decades, it reached out to her in dreams of floating clouds every single night and even during the day sometimes as a sudden flash that often made her look vain.

Many times in the morning as she woke up she looked to him or the feeling of him next to her that felt so real and true that it either left her elated through out the day or feeling low.

But she has never missed him as much because her feeling of him is so real that it gives her strength and courage.

She goes on with her work and keeps the smile bright on her face.

People tell her so many things, I thought you are so & so because you are so positive.

The truth is it is him or the thoughts of him that held her through.

It is strange since when have they interacted so much.

In fact she told herself for a long time like amma told her that he is younger and she is older and she will grow ugly and he will not like her…. and that scared her into marriage literally…

later she told herself that he is hi-fi party, that his likes and dislikes are not like hers…

then she thought of going to a psychiatrist thinking it is a fantasy for the unattainable that drives her so much

recently though it is becoming very clear to her it is just love for his soul, for him as he is…however he is that is holding her

She keeps a smile always… even tried to talk to a few guys …..but it tires her and she knows for sure that is not for her

She just needs him in her circle of life

If not she said he can give her some solid reason as to how he is immensely happy in his life and how he is not keen to change anything.Like you know, hear it from the horses mouth.

Why he never ever felt anything for her

and that he is tired very tired of her efforts to reach out.

They say one should love and be with those who love you immensely.

She said that she is not sure of his love but of hers to him there is no doubt

and she knows that she is equally deserving of love so there is hope in her love.

As she sits waiting for his call or message she has not moved from near her phone.

Some may call her foolish or impractical and what not but to tell the truth when death walks in what excuse will she have for not giving her best for a life worth living.

will her soul not regret it

she is clear that she does not want that to happen

not because there was no effort, no care, no attempt, no reaching out

maybe then she and him will walk together

maybe they will watch films together

and they may sip a drink

maybe then she will write maybe not

maybe he will read aloud

and sleep or utter those monosyllables

and she could simply watch him sleep and be happy

Sometimes life is a searching for purposes

Sometimes nothing holds the faith in self

The hostility of bhks

Empty spaces sit happily in old homes as verandhas or steps, unmeasured spaces of comfort, of sunlight and breeze, with windows to look out and corners to hide or just laze around.

Here and there are the nooks and little holes for love, a pillar waiting for an embrace or a shoulder to rest on it, a mix of brick red and black and small undulations in the kitchen instead of the ‘so called aesthetics of optimum usage of space and cleanly cut corners ‘ of modern houses where staying beyond some time is painful for the visitor..

Small easy chairs and large ones sleeping through days and nights and waking with a start as a back slides into them quietly sharing its meditation of the evening sun or the lizard on the wall.

Where the little open spaces outside had a mango tree or a tulasi waiting for its evening lamp and a hope of peeping into the conversations of bums resting on its small house.

so what is with the clinical spaces of the cozy homes that grow on top of each other and forget to love one another or remember that they exist in a single cluster of many little spaces that the earth and sky lent them with the breeze and the birds that want to visit them.

Some times when I think of the skies that I see from my 2 BHK here in North Bangalore , I think of how much my dad loves sitting outside in my previous home, even though the road is right there, and there is dust with many vehicles passing by.

While me and my daughter stay in all day, every day, when mom and dad come, all doors are open, the folding chair is next to the scooter with a newspaper folded casually, with enough scope for many hellos and hais.

In fact after their morning bath both amma and achan in their morning freshness sit out and chat or are there when I come back to greet and welcome.

While riding back home on the scooter fearful often of the huge vehicles that whiz by I suddenly noticed the many small holes in which we live, or so it looks from a distance where there is no space for guests or warmth of sitting in a row sipping coffee with the evening sun hovering around, no little ants making away with precious food or a millipede inching to its home, or even a happy butterfly which decides to rest on your back a little.

Have you not noticed how anything and everything easily becomes a space hoarder in a flat and how you become intolerant of the space it takes?

The Impatience of the All Knowing

Now, some of us are the all knowing kind

No, not the little knowing

or the somewhat knowing

or the getting to know kind

the all knowing kind

the real fountains of knowledge

of times that went and times that are

and the times that will come

that Atlas who can’t even shrug!

something like ‘The Man From Earth’

but above and beyond all that

If you don’t get me

well, just know how much you know!

or how much you don’t

that goes without saying

but that kind

the all knowing kind are

have you noticed


with the less knowers, ‘how can you…..?’

sometimes dark smoke of suppressed anger

irritation, impatience, disgust

spews out of their ears

(if you haven’t noticed, look closely next time)

some times watch out how spirals of wisdom

sprout from their crowns and reach the skies

a la cyclonic image!

but seriously years of study

years of observation

decades of self obsession, introspection, I mean!

that which catches every tiny spot

that which analyses and aggregates

loads of information in myriad forms

has made heavy a head

which could otherwise have been light enough to

laugh out and cry even

or thump a chest

and reach out in zest

friend, the least knower

who is blissful in the state of unknowing

my love to you

my empathy

and my emphatic support

don’t dismay

coz we too shall reach such stage

if you and I so desire

but look

aren’t the skies so bright

the stars so clear

shall we not sit here and just enjoy

the few moments granted to us in life

so, leave him to his task

his insatiable thirst for the power of knowledge

what did Dr. Faustus gain

from devil’s exchange?

Forget, forgive his knowledge

blissful shall we be in our ignorance.

PS.we also need to live

The art of being a crib

It takes a lot of imagination, the right mix of self victimization and ‘poor me-aisation’ to be a crib all the time.

For the universe in her kindness has been steady in getting me trained in how to deal with eternal cribbers.

The cribs are inventive, hilarious , irrational and high on fantasy, if anything.

Cribber numero uno

” I am doing so much. I am working like a donkey here inspite of my position”.

“I am so old still I drive(others crazy!) “

“I am always looking at details and am very particular you know”

“I am the best leader and I always train others sincerely”( to crib???!!!)

Cribber 2

You know what, I am lonely.

That’s why I am cribbing.

Nothing is working for me.

There is no one.

Everything works for you!!!(sarcasm)

You are always happy!!!!????(god knows why)

Cribber 3

I just don’t look good enough.

I try

I can’t get things right.

I am not popular.

I am like this only.

Cribber 4

I am planning ok.

Always planning.

Nothing is happening.(if you only plan, how will anything happen?)

I don’t like her suggestions.

But I don’t know what to do either.

I have to try.

I have to.

I have to.

Cribber 4

I am very creative.

I am full of ideas.

I can do so much.

I am just plain lonely.

I want to have friends.

I am kinda tired.

No motivation only!

Cribber 5 (myself!!!)

I am so lonely.

I have no friend.

I need a change.

So much work.

Why can’t vessels clean themselves?

Hey Bhagvan, if you are omniscient, come mop my house!

Just want to see if you exist.

Ps: Master cribbers!!!

the buddha

For a long time since my reading of the ashtanga marga in the history text book, I have been drawn to that prince who lives behind his beloved to go in search of the ultimate truth.

Many times there has been a desire to write a play on the Life of Buddha and have it staged.

In my mind in my dreams at least there has been a vivid picturisation of how it would go on stage.

But my knowledge of the subject has been limited.

As I sit today, looking ahead and wondering what is out there for me, I feel drawn more than ever before to the Buddha.

The universe is perhaps leading me to a new path of acceptance and of no expectations.

Perhaps that is how I can explain the deep churning of emotions as I listen intently to the chanting of Nam myoho renge kyo.

It is calming in a strange way.


Talking to your higher soul

How often do we forget that we are but spirits dressed in our bodies? Spirits from far above,with a reason or none but spirits the same. We, both you and I have infinite possibilities and should continuously reach out to realize the same.

Well, possibilities in love, possibilities in knowing self, possibilities in living a better life, possibilities in sharpening our skills and wowing the world! Why not?

In one of my counselling sessions, a student said, ‘its all luck mam, there is nothing else’.

Really, I countered, disagreeing with him.

I was listening to Deshuana Barber ,the unlikely Miss USA. She was spotted by a kind lady who said’ she is the most beautiful girl ever’ and that changed her life, but wait, her success came only after she failed 6 times in a row.

I was amazed at her not giving up.

Long back when I wanted to pursue journalism and was selected for interview at Indian Institute of Mass Communication, I was thrilled but didn’t clear the interview and I gave up.

I did not try to enter for admission at even the local colleges. Looking back I feel the confidence and the courage to live my life and take my own decisions could have come to me earlier had I just done that!

Well, who is to change the past?!!! It’s futile.

But now several years later I have found my freedom of expression, a level head that weighs and takes decisions and a spirit unafraid in me, it sort of thrills me to say this even though I paid a very very heavy price to reach here.

But as I would say now with a wisdom gained from pain and life experiences, that there is definitely a higher soul in you and me, that lends us a glance into its existence when we hit the rock bottom or merely when we step out of our comfort zone.

The higher soul that is connected to the universe lifts, hugs and cuddles, she whispers strength mantras and showers kisses, caressing a broken spirit to lull to sleep and rise again like a phoenix.

Tune in to the higher soul.

Talk to your self

Talk to the universe.

For she, the all knowing has watched many of us come and go, her wisdom is the root of our being, her love is our laughter.

Even in our transience we may then rejoice!!!

The Platform and the Corona

It was definitely not a good movie to watch at lunch, yet we were huddled in front of the laptop, me, my daughter and Aswin and we were so fascinated,intrigued, horrified that it became impossible to eat food.

At one point I wanted to stop watching the movie, in fact at many points, but I could not, The Platform on Netflix, fascinates, horrifies and sort is repulsive even, yet it holds your attention.

I looked up its description and it said it is a sci-fi horror film but I thought it was more than it.

Like the stair cases in Parasite,so the levels in The Platform!

The Platform sci-fi, horror, thriller film where in an ironically named Vertical Self Management Center dehumanizes existence of the living.

Goreng, enters the platform with a book in his hand hoping to get for himself an ‘Accredited Diploma’, funny how accreditation is a ‘gold mine’ for the sellers of ‘degrees, diplomas’!

What happens there after is a night mare of atrocities too difficult even to comprehend.

Having said that one cannot stop from thinking of how as a people we prey on others in so many ways.

Does our existence and our opportunities and our thriving somehow manage to cast a shadow on others?

One realizes the ‘man eat man’ nature of our survival.

I look at these stories that are well told as a treasure, besides remembering the old adage ‘art precedes science’ , one wonders, where are we heading really.

With us the middle class cocooned in our homes and the migrating workers left to fend for themselves in the sweltering heat and the danger of corona, is it playing out already.

The Platform (2019) - IMDb

As the quarantine begins to unwind, I am already suffering from withdrawal symptoms, moodiness and what not!

Well, let me know how you liked this sci-fi horror!

50/50 – movie Review

In a series of movie watching that is bringing us together and giving us ideas to discuss and debate on while simultaneously lounging in the front room and even sometimes sipping wine, we chanced upon 50/50 following the recommendations on the net.

That is some movie on the spirit of survival? I can’t say how much I loved Adam and his friend – Joseph Gordon- Levitt and Seth Rogen.

The monk like appearance of Adam post his chemo arouses love,care and empathy in the viewers and in Kyle one finds the best friend we all long for,that irreverent joker who has his sunny side up always.

After the movie, we went to sleep. comforted of a beautiful world despite the quarantine and salary cuts and a general feel of impending dangers to our existence by the sheer force of the director’s ability to turn a tragedy into a laughable experience.

Having had a close ring side view of my brother’s struggle with Mito chondrial cytopathy, the apathy of many who could have lend a hand, the outpouring of love from his 4 steadfast friends and my parents’ endless struggle and his own ability to keep a cheerful face, all flashed in front of my eyes.

Between the two of us, my brother was snatched from life at a very young age and having suffered excruciating pain of more than a life time, he took with him many other things from my life, as if purging me and also teaching me the essence of living. That said as spirits we stand united and some how still manage to connect. Now does that sound creepy?!!! It is not.

50/50 (2011 film) - Wikipedia


Gosh! What a story! And what cinematography. We sat gripped to our seats and when it ended felt a bit betrayed that it should end!

So , I read that it got Jazz all wrong! maybe but it got all the acting and the story line great.

That was some super amazing story telling with excellent acting skills.

I guess I will not forget this movie ever!

J.K Simmons excels as the abusive band leader and so does Miles Teller as the ambitious student.