bits of sky
fall into my lap
grow into a sweet churning pain
asking for what I know not
how I seem not to get
yet gathering the reams
of sunbeams dancing on the wall
twinkling on the floor
blazing on my head sometimes
I form reels of dreams and fantasies
and dance lost to the world
oblivious of death knocking at my door
of hatred spewing on to my person
glaring taunts of inadequacies
leaving it all to the blue god of flute
and his music playing in my heart
on and on, on and on, so on.
I sit at home grumpy,sad and irritated. There’s no friend in sight. Nobody. Not a soul.
Friends, colleagues families have packed and left for the long weekend. I knew this was coming. I knew I am going to feel low. I knew it is going to hurt big time and it did.
But it is difficult to reconcile with reality even when you know what is and why it is so. Except for Andrew’s long and short meows there is no noise at home. Instead of research that I should do I am angry and upset for no particular reason.
I wait for a friend to turn up. Friends have friends and families !!!! I am busy playing the victim, the god forsaken soul, left on an island… why? why?
Fine. I decide enough is enough solo is not solitude and like Matteo Bocelli I will find my way.
Besides I am good at taking care of myself. I will do it. So I set off to get a bicycle yep to ride to glory.
Its been years since I did it but it should be good. The cycle shops are not selling cycles anymore but a fashion statement and my purse is going to be stretched too far… I come back now less gloomy!
Anyways, back home I have a visitor, ‘ would you like to dance for the dandiya?’ dance, me! Well, I wanted to invite your daughter but since she is not here, why don’t you come, said the neighbour in a compensatory tone.
‘Ok!’ I say, desperate for company, ‘I would love to, nay, I will’ and end up attending 2 practice sessions and go all the way to hit the dance floor literally!
My body is not amused at such onslaught of vigor, ‘what for’. it demands angrily and sulks big time!
But dance I did in my effort to find new friends and some new spaces outside the books, research and I must say I enjoyed it.
Walking in alone into a space of families did make me feel awkward initially but soon I got over it and relaxed, I counselled myself and said, ‘its ok, afterall alone is no crime, you are in a happy space, don’t you see that!’
I did of course, and soon lost myself in the dance.
Sometimes you got to shake the statusquo! So I did!
And found a surprise visitor at home!
And a promise of a friend who said, ‘I come when I say I will’ and I had to laugh!
Then says my dear chechi, ‘Lekha come home tomorrow ok!’. ‘I will’, I say happily.
Who does one thank except the universe for such unexpected offers of good company!
Ain’t it a good life after all!
In every class that I conduct, I repeat the phrase ad infinitum, ‘ Nurture your passion’ and go on to tell my students that if they are great dancers, or mediocre dancers but have a liking for the art, they should spend time pursuing it. If you are singer, choreographer, designer, a rangoli expert or a web designer, do it again and again, and remember that like a plant that you nurture, in your good times and especially your bad times in life, this tree will present you many fruits of uninhibited joy. It will give you strength when the ground feels shaky and you are looking for succor. Because we all need to be like rivers.
You see, no river is sustained by a single rivulet or stream, we all need multiple inlets of joy in our lives. So when you love, love your lover but love yourself and find other people, places and hobbies to pursue with love. When you work, work with all your heart, but don’t do it like a blind obsession, along with your work practice your art, pursue your hobby, grow your network , if nothing, at least go for daily walks and spend time with nature. Look often at the limitless sky and wonder of what it holds…dream…keep up the dreams.
Some of us tend to do the error of being of single-minded focus on a role either professionally or personally and forget everything else. Then of course, slightest disappointments are harsh or life -threatening because this role has been your lifeline.
Should it be so, really? Is the role of a mother, sister, wife, manager, teacher so life consuming that you find it necessary to cut yourself of all joys of existence of which this role is but one of the many facets. How narrow minded can we be? How blind to the many joys of living?
It happened to me that post marriage I was not allowed to connect to my cousins or friends with whom I shared a beautiful bond. When this was followed by years of my only brother’s illness and his passing away, I was left with no one to even turn to in my life. Those were tough times. When my ex decided to quit his job, and the added responsibility of running the home fell on my shoulders, I became what I call in malayalam an ‘otta buddhi’, a woman of single minded focus on financial sustenance, emotional support to my parents and daughter and fighting for my sanity, which was the only thing I focused on. During these trying years, actually before events took a more serious and dramatic turn, a dear friend advised, ‘write’ and I took it up, because I always wanted to be a writer but also because I knew it would help me heal. And it did.
During the most trying times in life, I could put up a poem and feel a bit relaxed because there was no other let out that was accessible to me besides spending time with my chirpy kid. Yes, the occupation of teaching is a healer too, as it gives you as much as you give. So I held on to my core and stood strong despite the winds of adversity that kept testing me. Many years later I discovered a happy company of like minded speakers in Toastmasters International whose camaraderie and constant cheering lent me much courage and strength. Besides, I had also discovered the magic of expressing gratitude which the universe was kind enough to acknowledge every time.
So, I came out of a very manipulative and trying relationship with a smile intact and a heart devoid of hurt and rancor, well almost and still continue to work on my inner self.
But the point is the significance of a hobby, a passion , a cause close to your heart, which you should nurture at any cost. The value of this is intangible but life saving more than any other form of vaccine you might want to take.
I write this today as I see so many of my friends who go through this stage of going through an utter sense of loss or despair when things do not go as expected.
Life never promised to follow a google map, either. All life does is to take you on a journey of life experiences which can range anywhere from good to bad , knowing that then we should all work on our sense of joy, our anchor which will help us withstand the winds of change.
My suggestion then, do not be an ‘otta budhi’, go pursue your passion, many passions in fact and breathe easy as you go about living your life.
If you are a parent, don’t dissuade your child from pursuing his interests. You never know when and how it will aid him, professionally or personally.
Besides, that is perhaps the only activity he looks forward to doing and derives joy, satisfaction and a sense of individuality, so let it be.
Dancing engineers do make better humans and better bridges too!
It’s been raining
women rush to collect the clothes drying
men hush children getting wet outside
to the confines of the homes
the waters gushing
are cleaning years of guilt, sins and pains
a few birds dance
the street dogs rejoice initially
then look for cover
for sometime at least
the rains have diverted much wasteful attention
from the differences of ‘us’ and ‘them’
and mostly everyone is digging into their biriyanis
dressed in the aroma of spices
after much heckling
I am at peace too
while resting under the slow swirl of the fan blades
I keep half an eye open
to catch the surprises life springs upon me
it has not been amusing always
to be caught unprepared
but time has taught and healed
and made stronger a will
pickled in pain and hurt
to blossom in smiles and hopes
while in some part of the world
a few men dribble a ball around
and others dance to their tunes
caught in the business of living
we rarely have time for breathing
what do the rain gods see
do we seem different
or do they feel indifferent?
Adhyapika 