Tag Archives: fatigue

Sinking under the weight of expectations

With loads of work to complete, bundles of assignments to evaluate, conferences to attend, an exam that is coming up and various other assorted challenges of existence, I am totally weighed down and feel the fatigue even when it is holidays and free time, apparently!

Last time I felt so clamped and cloistered in the space of my head was when I was called upon to write an article by a senior official.

Now, it was indeed an honor that I was thought to be fit to write for the prestigious journal but I was unable to put down a single word.

I was confused and worried and very much out of myself, almost incapable of producing any kind of work so much so that I submitted something which was inferior in quality several days after the dead line. And that left a very bad taste….

That’s  how ‘tension’ can get to me….and it did as it is now, eating into the calm composed corners of my mind and creating tsunamis of ‘ I have so much to do’ followed by the deathly silence of  nothing, nothing at all.

I decided to emerge out of this state of ennui by penning down my challenge.

Yesterday, I sat down to tick off a few of the to-do’s from my list by actually doing it, there is no other way is it?

I have also in the meanwhile, enlisted my daughter’s moral and physical support to read through some material and prepare for a presentation.

To my parents, whom I am visiting, I have shared my agony and they have most understandingly given me the first half of the day to deal with my own monsters before setting their demands over my time in the evening.

My daughter has been kind enough to pour the very same ‘encouragements’ and ‘morale boosters’ to me to get me some calm and inner strength.

I do wish for a dear friend to pester and prod and needle but …hmm… no one can be a better friend or foe than my own self!, so I leave it at that.

As always, writing helps me, heals me and pushes me forward.

Right now, I am feeling re-energized to meet the challenges, and kind of feel that I will manage it all, somehow!

Cheers to writing, just putting down words, letting go of worries, thoughts and getting back to the action-mode!

Rest, not rust, dear Ulysses

In an attempt to find stillness in me

I reduced actions to bare minimum

realizing immediately how a huge fatigue

decided to settle upon me

perhaps years of action upon on action

had accumulated in me the need for inertia

the state of rest

when the feet clamped down to some imaginary rod

felt leaden and fought with a mind that actively plotted actions

when hands tied down by a huge need for silence

refused to budge when the brain screamed, act, move, act

I lay down feeling for the first time in years

the feel of my body against the bed in rest

and conniving with the mosquito who brought me a fever called dengue

I lay travelling back in time on my bed

and wondered when the time had rushed so fast as to push me this far

but to rest, dear Ulysses is not yet to rust

though I shall like you follow knowledge like a sinking star

and drink life to the lees

and strive to seek, to gain and not to yield

yet today I stay back with my own Telemachus

with my own Penelope(?) and rest, but not rust, no, not yet!