Tag Archives: fear

oF GIVING YOUR BEST EVERYTIME

Which of us don’t fear? Don’t waver? Lose interest and want to run away. All of us do, again and again and then what is that will take us to a feeling of achievement, sense of inner calm and sense of joy in being who we are?

I am no guru, yet, life in her inscrutable ways has taken me to paths, twists and turns, I would not have ventured on my own. Bewildering me, breaking me into tears and gathering me in her arms, showing me hope and a reason to smile that I learned to live and be happy about who I am.

I look back and I see how life journey has moved me from one turn to another, (yes, even the life of an average Indian woman can be dramatic sometimes, ) posing challenging questions to me, egging me out of my comfort zone, and asking me to march ahead. I have felt lonely at times, many times, yet today as I see it, I know I have done justice to roles I took, causes I believed in , to people who leaned on me and have been able to leave behind the bitterness and embrace life with a smile.

I must have been in my 12 th standard when I heard one of my aunts disparage her partner with hurtful words, which in turn reflected her own feeling of misery and pain, I remember thinking I will never want to be a grumpy old woman, never.

But what brings the sense of calm to me today, is my learning to live in the now, constantly re-orient myself to the present moment, ask myself, what are you thankful for now, today? Having asked that question, a sense of immediate relaxation enters my mind and I regain my calmness and smile.

So, I decided that it is just role to simply do the best I can in every situation,, what my daughter calls a ‘breakthrough performance‘ every time in the various roles that I take up, well, try to do that at the least.

As I detach myself from my past and worries about future, I have noticed that there is no rancor in me, no agony, though sometimes, deep pain overwhelms me and I let it pass, because I ask myself, what is that you are feeling now, allow it to happen, you can cry, feel angry and feel happy at different times, it is ok then regain the composure that I am so loving these days.

Life I have decided is a process that allows you to experience and allow your soul to blossom to be its true self.

Yes, this new found courage to affirm my positivity has found me new friends, and hopefully new experiences .

Today, as I seek experiences, even new friends, maybe, I realize that I don’t seek anything make me happy but only to add to my already existent and thriving source of inner happiness,

Thathastu!

A home of my own

Without even thinking about it, I had signed up for a loan, a home loan at that and had moved into what is to me the best home on the planet.

Feels good, definitely, yes. The resettling of things, re-allotment of spaces, my corner, your corner, the book land , the production unit and what not! The  teenager at home, one who cares for you and is grateful for what you do is a blessing though! The tasks seem lighter than they are. The sense of small, yet significant achievement touches the core of your heart and which mother would not move worlds for her kid!

Good times, yes, definitely. While negotiating with the agent for a 1000 Rs less, he laughed almost sarcastically, you would end up paying more than double of what you got from the bank mam, why are you grudging me my share?! So, here it is, you take it. I give in tears in my eyes. Then the gentleman whose beautiful home, I had stayed in as a tenant thought little of losing an opportunity to make some moolah of the mess. You got to pay me the rent of a month as you did not inform me one month in advance. Oh! but I quit my job with a notice of less than a month. That doesn’t cut ice with him. There goes another lump-some, leaving a huge lump of pain in my throat. The way to your own home is definitely loaded with surprises.

6 years ago, working as a school teacher and  holding the roof  almost by myself, I had not thought of ever being able to think of owning a home. Nor did I feel the need. But some things happen because of others, mom, dad, daughter, their belief  in me, gives me belief in myself and I plunge ahead.

Like the little daily battles I have been waging to keep my head above the waters, to keep it all floating, I knew this too will pass. What you start off, will definitely come to an end, pleasant or unpleasant. Then surprising me the owner off the house, comes forward, mam, here you take this amount. Pay  me later! Who does that to a stranger? I am beyond shocking now.

Life looks like adventures stringed together to test the mettle, to make you tougher, sharper, stronger. Once you move ahead, there is no looking back  you hardly get a chance to. At one point, my daily bread threatened to disappear, and as if by magic another bread basket arrived at my work table, can you do this? Yes, why not? I will, I love nothing more than teaching. To teach in a college has been a life long ambition. Well, I might just do my doctorate even, how cool is that?

As I sit down with myself with a cup of coffee, unkempt, tired, I realize the huge responsibility on my shoulders and my stupidity or intelligence in taking the decisions I have taken in search of an abode in a transient world. But like every other time, I chose to step out of my comfort zone and explore, life amazes me with her benevolence, opening doors unseen, manifesting angels unknown, in general, making the journey worth the trouble.

Sitting down with myself today

after days of thoughtless toil

of  unending creases on the forehead

of sleeplessness and fear,naked, gripping, crippling

of kind words from unexpected quarters

of a message or a thought from nowhere

yielding solace , bolstering blind optimism

the tired yet bright smile of small victories

of  endless sharing of energies

of escape from what is not  yours anyways

of entering new areas of knowledge, challenges and growth

of keeping calm in turmoil and of the many delights of living.

of doing what you can in any given situation

of the karmic scale of balances that tilt

of being who you are,even when you are not yourself

of supposed indignation, arrogance and over-ambition

of  staying alive as long as you live.