I signed up for research for reasons that made sense to me.so I thought!
*Belief in a cause
I definitely did not sign up for research thinking it will undo all my learning and experience so far.
So, it is not free writing, oh, not at all.
Plus there has to be a structure.
A certain kind of structure, not just any!
It meant reading but reading a research paper to decode the objective, the method, the tools, the out put and identifying the research gap.
God! why am I doing this to myself!!!
My heart cried out when my ability to deliver extempore became a liability.
My head heated up when jargons brushed way ahead my poor head, trying its best to grasp at the crux of the maze of words, theories and references and make some sense.
It looked rigorous, nay it is rigorous.
It drains my energies. It does, really.
It makes me feel like a proper nincompoop, as the heaviness of my ignorance hits me, the huge gap between what is expected and what is being delivered widens, I realize to my dismay, the problem of my many inadequacies!
It is exhausting.
It is tiring.
It looks meaningless.
Often it feels like I am groping in the darkness, no light to be seen anywhere. I yearn for a research buddy, someone who knows the pain and has a heart full of empathy. Who can just nod and say, ‘I know, I know’, ‘It’s difficult’, ‘You will get there’, ‘Don’t worry’, ‘Sleep’, ‘No, you are not mad’, ‘No, it is normal’, ‘You are doing great’, ‘Gosh, you are even smart’, ‘Oh! I so admire your skills’, ‘Let me do this for you’, ‘Want some coffee’, Oh! you poor thing’ and many such endearing consolations.
I even thought of creating a Rinder for research buddies, how may we overcome the grind!!!
I could have done anything else, travel, maybe, go to parties maybe, all these are equally out of my comfort zone, then why in the world did I stand up for research!!!
But there is a strain of Dr. Faustus in me, one that relishes learning, one who is at home with books in a world far away from reality, to whom library is next to heaven, no, that has not made me intelligent or smart, just an eager reader and learner, with a penchant to get to know stuff.
So, fear of failure is my Mephistopheles, fear of failing my guide, fear of making an absolute fool of myself and now I have to harness that fear to progress in this terribly exhausting and at times exhilarating task.
Looks like a bumpy ride ahead!
Stay on road, stay alive!